Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Flashing My Butt To The World

I often wonder how I get myself into these embarrassing situations, then I remember I'm me and I tend to ignore the neon pink warning sign flashing "Danger, Danger" and keep pressing my luck.

Today's situation is a prime example.

As I have admitted before, on some days when I am running late, I will throw a sweater on and drive the kids to school in my pj's. They're cute pink, black and teal plaid pants and a black flimsy t-shirt. I always say a quick, "Please don't let me have a reason to get out the car," to the heavens though as I leave.  Well today was one of those days, with a slight twist. We race out the door and climb into the car and as I sit down I feel the entire length of the butt seam rip. From right between my legs up to the top of my butt crack. Visions of Lenny Kravitz showing his bits to the world flash through my head (if you don't know what I mean, google it, or rather don't especially not at work.) Okay, it could be worse, I'm not commando on stage in front of people, so the similarity ends there...except it doesn't, they're pj's so there isn't even any underwear in sight to protect my modesty when I stand up. I'm faced with two choices. Make the kids late by going inside to change or drive them to school and pray even harder not to have a reason to get out the car. I chose the second one as I did not feel like giving the kids a reason to laugh hysterically at me and tell their friends what happened to their mom, before I have even had breakfast.

I would like to add in a disclaimer here. My pants are very thin, they have ripped multiple times before and I have repaired them as they are my favorite. This has nothing to do with the 10 lbs I have gained or all the Halloween candy. That's my story and I am sticking to it. However my disclaimer is also my flashing neon pink warning sign. They have ripped before...I knew full well they would not last long and have been waiting for weeks for them to rip again.

I am pleased to report I made it home without being stopped by the police or having a car accident. I parked in the driveway, removed my sweater and did a contortion act in the front seat of the car to get it wrapped around my waist, then climbed out the car while making sure my butt was facing the garage door and prayed the neighbours teenage son didn't walk out of his house. I made sure everything was covered and could turn and flee into the house.

These pants may be my favorite, but they're going in the bin today.