Reasons I shouldn't be a parent and other weird conversations with my kids

Diggle: On the way to school in the car: "We're gonna be late, we are so screwed!"
Me: "You cannot say we're screwed in that context. It's a bad word."
Diggle: "But why mom? You screw in a screw why is it a bad word?"
Me: "Well when it's used in a sentence like this, it doesn't mean the same thing, so don't use it."
Diggle: Looks at me like I'm making this up..."Okay, but what does it mean Mommy?"
Me: Stuck for an answer now..."You know fuck is a bad word and you are not allowed to say it? Well it means the same as that" - note he has no idea what fuck means either!
Diggle: "oh okay then"
Me.....tries to refrain from banging my head on the steering wheel while seriously questioning my parenting abilities


"Are you sure you want to put your favorite food down as mashed cauliflower?"  - me to Princess while completing a school project about herself.
Her answer:  "Oh yes, it's yummy."  I have no words, okay she's a freak, I know its done with cheese and is pretty good.....but what happened to french fries and candy and.....?


Buses are cancelled due to weather, but we live a short drive away from school, Me: "Are you sure you want to go to school today...there's a lot of snow out there?"
Kids:  "Yeah we'll go otherwise our cousin (who has just started this year at the same school) will miss us".- , who's kids are these that when given a choice they choose to go to school?


Diggle sitting in the bath tub examining himself: "Mom why do I have two jewels?"
Me: (clearly I wasn't watching him or I would have caught on quicker) "Jewels?"
Diggle: "Nuts Mom, family jewels..." (picture a 7 year old with an exasperated look on his face like I'm a complete idiot)
Me: (trying to keep a straight face) "Well, um,  you're a boy and all boys are made like that and have two"
Diggle: "Oh okay, thinks for a minute....so I guess one is a spare in case one breaks...."
Me:  "Yeah sure, um lets try not to break any okay?"


Me: "Don't eat all those carrot sticks, save room for dinner...." I know! WTF? Who's kids are these anyway? Carrot sticks? I don't think I have ever been hungry enough to sit and eat a bag of raw carrot!
Kids: "Whats for dinner?"
Me: "Chicken nuggets and fries....oh okay never mind, keep eating the carrots!"