Monday, 29 December 2014

2015 - A new year, new possibilities

THIS, this describes my New Years plans completely! We're having a quiet one, a nice family dinner, maybe a fondue or steak and mushroom sauce. We can relax on the couch and watch a movie or some bad tv. We can cuddle the kids and pet the monster dog. Do not pity me and invite me out to a party, I am not free, I am doing nothing.

The honest truth is I am all socialed out after Christmas, so we are not going to a party or anywhere that involves being social and acting friendly.  I love Christmas, the parties, the festivities, having family over for dinner and getting together to open presents etc, but I reach a point after parties and gatherings when I am done. I'm tired of talking, I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of eating and drinking.

I want to spend the next week mostly sitting on my couch or in my bed, with my iPad, a set of headphones in and just being alone. Sure, I will leave the house, I have a few things to do and a few places to be, but they will be necessities or things I choose to do.

So, 2015 will start off quietly, but that doesn't mean I'm not optimistic about all it holds. 2014 and 2013 were not great years, they certainly had their share of trials and tribulations. Surely our luck must turn? 2015 will be the year! Some may think this is a little strange for me to be optimistic considering I'm going in for major surgery in two weeks, but, DH has a job he is enjoying and after surgery I get to take some enforced R&R.  Once that's all done spring will be here and camping season can start. 

Just think of all the possibilities that await us, holidays, experiences, people we might meet, things we might do. Life in general, watching the kids mature that little bit more, becoming the people they are meant to be. Anniversaries, birthdays, sunsets and daydreams. What's not to look forward too?  Okay snap out of it, I'm sleep deprived and spent a good part of last night cleaning kids barff out of the carpet, 2015 can only get better.

Friday, 19 December 2014


Yeah it's Christmas again, season of love and goodwill, blah blah blah. Actually for some reason it's around this time of year I turn into the Grinch. I'm 99% done with my shopping, fighting the crowds of bad tempered shoppers may have something to do with it. Anything else that we discover we need, DH can brave the crowds for. I still have my baking to do and to prep for the big Turkey and trimmings family dinner on Christmas Eve. So, not a whole lot, what is there to be Grinchy about? Well, I'm not really sure, but I'm very easily annoyed and upset this past week, maybe it's the hormones, it's the perfect excuse so we'll blame them this year that's for sure.

The thing is, I'm lying here in bed this morning contemplating life, Diggle and Princess just had a fight over Minecraft, I talked them down. Princess is now chilling in her room watching videos while Diggle is having his 'alone time' in the living room with Christmas music blaring at full volume (sorry neighbours I know it's not even 7:30am). The monster dog is lying on my lap staring up at me like I'm better than a fillet steak and I realized how lucky I am. What have I done to deserve so much love in my life? Not only from this dog who literally pines for me each time I go out, but from my kids, from DH. I know without a doubt that I am loved, that I am treasured and that I am the single most important person in all their lives. I somedays feel like I don't deserve that level of devotion, I'm by no means the best mom or wife. I suck at housework, I don't always read and help my kids do homework, it's a stretch somedays to ensure they have clean socks to wear to school. I don't even regularly walk the dog since it's cold out there!  I mostly eat dinner without DH as he's late home, I have very little patience for arguments and listening to woes, and yet they love me.

Growing up I found it difficult to tell people, yes even my family that I loved them. It wasn't something that was tossed around on an every day basis. In my house now, it is said multiple times, every single day, to and from everyone. It is tossed out as someone is leaving for work or for school, a simple, "Have a good day, love you." It is said for no reason other than the person is standing or sitting next to you. I constantly hear, "love you, mom." being said when there is a lull in conversation. It is even thrown back in your face when there is a fight or argument, "Well I love you, so fuck you." or "Yes, sweetie, I know you don't like me, but I love you so it doesn't matter." Actually a more adequate description if I am being honest is probably a "tough, I love you, go to your room if you're going to act  like a brat."

I don't really know what point I'm trying to make here, this was just a random realization that crossed my mind. I may be a Grinch, but I'm a very lucky, very loved Grinch and I can only wish that you are all loved too and are lucky enough to know it.

Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah or happy whatever else you may celebrate.
Ps. I love you all for reading my blog.

Sunday, 16 November 2014

It's catch up time

It's time to come clean. I haven't been blogging for a while because there has been a lot going on in my life that I didn't want to talk about. First and foremost DH has been unemployed for 8 months. We didn't want to worry certain family members who had enough going on in their lives so we decided not to mention it.

In these 8 months of stress, I started working again, a temp contract, nothing exciting, but it kept us afloat. My contract ends in a week. Dh's new job starts in a week. Really good timing! 

So, what else has been going on in my life? Well, my mom is living with us for now, the kids are in grade 4, monster dog is still a monster. Oh and I am waiting to hear surgery date on when I will be having a hysterectomy. Yep, stressful times indeed. My endometriosis has been acting up again, I was pretty lucky to have many years after the twins were born where it seemed to stay dormant but alas, no more. Ontop of this I have an adenomysis, so the doctors are prepping me for surgery in January. To prep for this means they are giving me monthly injections to keep me in a medicated version of menopause. Yes, I'm going through the delightful mood swings, hot flushes and other joys that this brings. Is it starting to make sense why I haven't been around much? 

Of course I'm still a delight to live with and a constant joy to be around. At this point I'll mention that I read about a woman on this medication who killed her husband and has claimed the medication made her do it. I'm keeping that one in reserve if I need it. I'm also guessing I may weed out my true friends from those who just tolerate me. My true friends of course will be the ones who will still give me an alibi. 

Thursday, 31 July 2014

I am from

I've seen a few other "I am from..." Pieces posted, I thought I'd give a try to writing my own. I am always asked when camping here where I am from, I'm never sure, do they mean originally in reference to my accent or where in Ontario?

I am from that house on the hill, the one where you could hear the ocean waves breaking at night.
I am from a family of 6, sometimes more.
I am from sunny skies, warm weather, braais and boerewors.

I am from the mountains, hiking, sailing, lying in the sun.
I am from picking avocados, mulberrys, guavas, pawpaws and lemons out the garden.
I am from smelling the franjapani tree outside my bedroom window.

I am from the smell of the hot African earth when it rains,
The smell of the ocean when the winds blew.
I am from diving the Indian Ocean, from Raggies cave to Cathedral.
I am from the days on the beach drinking champagne in the sun.

I am from the busy hustle and bustle of the flea markets to the stark reality of being searched every time you entered a shopping centre.
I am from hearing bombs rattle your windows as they exploded in town and shedding a tear for the life we knew.
I am from long lines and chaos on Election Day, from hope and dancing, from the "rainbow nation."
I am from living behind security gates, from bars on the window.

I am from starting a new life, in a new place.
I am from finding new family, new friends.
I am from snow, ice and four seasons.

I am from being torn between two lands.
I am from knowing home is in two places, always far away.

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Books and dreams

I find myself appreciating the small moments of happiness lately, if I don't I may lose my mind completely. One of the biggest things that has me smiling each day is seeing my kids reading. Finally!!

Yes, finally they have discovered the joy of reading for fun. I cannot tell you how long I have struggled with this, and for someone who has always read books by the dozen it was a major concern for me. Diggle enjoyed a bit of reading the past year, but I had to force him to sit and read. Princess would only enjoy being read to. 

This year however we started by getting some graphic novels out the library, this set in motion them joining the reading club there. This means they set a goal and if they reach it they get a prize. Diggle set 50 books over summer. He reads quickly, I wasn't that concerned, he's at 20 odd already. Princess set a goal of 30...this had me a little worried. However she's on book 10 and going strong...and yes we've progressed to chapter books. She started her first chapter book of Nancy Drew last night and she's nearly finished it. 

I've always cherished the childhood adventures I went on through the aid of my books. I visited faraway lands, I solved mysteries and crimes, I even went to non existent, make believe places, I still do! Books fueled my already vivid imagination and helped me dream of my future. Books were my escape and I have always wanted that for my kids. 

Seeing them reading, (sometimes in the evening all lying on Grannies bed with her). Having them not wanting to put that book down to go to sleep. Catching them reading in bed an hour after lights out, using the light from the corridor outside to see the words. It all brings me more joy than I can express!


As an aside, I write this blog for my own ramblings, if you don't want to read it or think it's time wasting drivel don't read it. It was shortly after I posted my last blog that a friend commented on Facebook about mommy bloggers and how everyone considers themselves a writer because they blog. I don't ask you to read my blog, I don't consider myself a writer, even though I've written fiction stories, non fiction articles for web sites and yes I blog. I'm just someone who likes to write my thoughts down, if anyone else wants to read them, well that's up to them!

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

That time of year

Summer break, school vacation, moms it what you will, tomorrow is the last day of the school year. The kids have been going to school all week to do nothing, they've watched movies, played games had popcorn. I've heard other moms say why send them, I'll admit to being more of the, I don't care, they're going, get them out my house kind of mom though.

The kids, I'm convinced can smell my fear, my desperation that soon, too soon I will be subjected to cries of I'm hungry, I'm bored, mom (insert other kids name) won't play what I want to.  Time to try and get creative (but not messy creative I'm not that good of a mom.) Our big thing of the summer is two, week long camping trips which are always our hi-light and best part! However that still leaves me with seven weeks to try and amuse my kids. We'll do our usual routine this summer, a mix of trips to the library, quiet days at home, trips to the local splash pad and maybe a friends pool, walks at the lake with granny and maybe some time at the park. Perhaps a few trips to the liquor store may be in order too.

I can see other moms I know reading this and rolling their eyes, they think I'm mean, overly dramatic, yes maybe just a touch. Okay, I'll come clean, as the kids have gotten older it's gotten a lot easier. They run outside and play with their friends, play on the computer or their DS's and even get their own food. There are advantages to summer, no more homework, no more making lunches before school and no more realizing you have nothing to give kids for lunch at the last minute.

Don't be fooled though, I'll be the mom celebrating with a very large drink the day they go back to school in September.

Monday, 2 June 2014

Home sweet home

I'm back home, back to the humdrum of everyday life, laundry, cooking, getting up early to make sandwiches for school and I'm so so happy to be home.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I got the chance to go back to South Africa again, it was wonderful to see my oldest brother and his family, to spend time with my best friend from school and see the old haunts. But it was no holiday. I have returned completely exhausted. There was so much work to be done to pack my mom up that I really needed a minimum of 2 weeks, but I worked flat out, survived on very little sleep and got most of what I could done. 

I've done two trips back back to South Africa now in the past two years after an extended period away and they've taught me a few things. (These may be a little jumbled, I'm still jet lagged and have a headache)

- it's possible to jump back into a manual stick shift car and drive on the wrong side of the road without completely freaking out. It comes back to you very quickly.
- it's strange how quickly you forget that you have to lock your car doors and drive with the windows up and your valuables or parcels hidden.
- there's something special about African air, being able to breath in the ocean air, or lie at night looking up at the stars watching palm trees wave.
- monkeys are pesky but cute
- I'm stronger than I give myself credit for but every now and then you just need to hear a loved ones voice or be able to message with them to keep you sane when things are getting rough and you're emotional or scared.
- I have absolutely no doubts that we did the right thing for our children's future in moving to Canada.
- DH is capable of surviving for a week (possible more) without me. He fed the kids and the dog, did laundry and got everyone to school on time and even remembered to collect them at the end of the day.
- it is possible to eat so much you feel ill at the mere thought of food for days after.
- hard alcohol doesn't really go bad, cream based alcohols can turn into a solid however and it's not pretty
-my skin loves the SA climate, my hair...not so much! I could not keep it from being frizzy, I oiled, I straightened it looked okay, 5 minutes later it would frizz. I remember why I used to have either long hair that I could tie back or really short easy hair!
-old friends who take the time and expense to come and see you when you're in the same country are the best. 
- long haul flights suck so bad, and hurt my body and my back way too much!

I doubt I'll be making any trips back to SA now for a long time, I wish I'd had more time to go a few places and have more fun there this time, but I had a strict timeline to abide by.
It was nice to know I was missed here by the dog, the kids and even DH.

If you missed my posts from South Africa on my adventures there see them here:

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Day 2 and 3 and I need a new diet and some sleep!

I'm surviving on around three hours of sleep a night and a constant flow of restaurant food. My body no longer knows what hour it is or what it should be eating. That's my excuse for why at 1:30 am last night I was working my way through my moms paperwork while eating chocolate cake.

Day 2 was a day of working through more cupboards and paperwork, a lunch out with my parents oldest friends, a short nap, more work and dinner at my brothers house so I could get my wifi fix and post a few pictures.

Day 3 my mom and I drove down the coast to visit my father in law and have lunch with him and my brother in law, it was great to see them both. We then did more packing work and headed out to dinner with my brother and family. I'm sure you can now see why I'm going to need a serious diet once I get home!

Day 4, I opened up my moms house to the staff at the retirement village to sell things, tomorrow I'm locking the doors and pretending I'm not home! 

People keep asking me how it feels to be back home and to be honest It's a strange feeling being back here. Things are so very familiar, but just not quite the same. There are times where it would be so easy to slip back into denial and living your life here, and then there are those moments I can feel my heart race a little faster, or I look around and shake my head at the sense of entitlement that a few people seem to have and know I'll never live back here.

Here are a few things that have left me unnerved or just shaking my head in astonishment.

  • Driving through my old suburb at night and seeing security guards outside houses.
  • Having my mom tell me to be aware at certain traffic lights as they're hijacking hotspots.
  • Driving past a guy wielding a rather big knife.
  • Being stuck in a traffic jam at a red light and having a guy walk up to you car, stand by the back door and peer into your car to see if there is anything worth doing a smash and grab for - and the sheer powerlessness to do anything, also the reason we drive with doors locked, windows wound up and valuables tucked away under your legs.
  • Being so used to being able to trust 99% of people and realizing that here you just can't take that gamble. I had people through the house today to buy stuff of my moms and little things I know we're taken when my back was turned while busy with someone else.
I convinced my mom to take half a sleeping pill tonight as she has not been sleeping either and was starting to be unable to focus, and I need her to focus on things right now. I've kind of decided it's no longer worthwhile trying to acclimatize my body to this time zone when I leave on Thursday, I think I'll just survive on the few hours a night with a short afternoon nap thrown in if I have time.

Two and a half more days and we have no choice but to be done, did I mention how I'm looking forward to going home yet?  Perhaps I shouldn't be lying here in the dark typing my blog. Late night paperwork anyone?

Sunday, 25 May 2014

Full Day number 1 done and dusted

I arrived yesterday, another long flight done and very glad to be back on the ground for the next few days. Had pizza with the family, got a look at some of the stuff to sort through and passed out for the night on the sleeper couch in my moms living room. All told I slept pretty well, awake from 2 - 4 am and then back to sleep until 6:30am, when I got up and tackled the first few things before a shower and coffee. 

I will admit I'm impressed with what I got done today. I cleaned tabled covered in mountains of paperwork, all while reading my school reports about how lazy, unmotivated and underachieving I was, with apparently my flair for being creative my only redeeming quality. (yes that's how much paperwork my mom has hoarded, and yes if you ever wondered why I have self esteem issues I think I may be able to point out why now). 

I put at least 6 black garbage bags out of stuff to give away for free or real garbage and did a few smaller bags of things for my nephews here to take back and fiddle with. I'm lying here feeling accomplished and I haven't even got to the good part of the day.

My best friend from school and bridesmaid at my wedding flew down from Johannesburg to spend some time with me today as it is not very often we are on the same continent. She spent the afternoon watching me shred papers, laughing at my face as I went through my Dads old stuff (and she wasn't even here when I found the condoms in my dads draw), and helping me sort through the liquor cabinet.

Sorting through the liquor cabinet was an adventure in itself. There are bottles in there that we were too scared to drink, we opened them outside and poured them down the drain. There were bottles we kept, admittedly we had to google if certain types of alcohol went bad and had to do a sniff, taste and visual inspection before drinking. 

All in all it was a successful and good day and I feel very blessed and happy right now, but that may be the 15 year old vodka talking. Tomorrow when faced with the next few cupboards to sort through I may not feel so great. I will only get to post this tomorrow night when I get a decent Internet connection at my brothers house, if vodka does go bad, I'll be able to let you know by then.

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Update from Dubai

At 5:30am today I ate a breakfast that would put an Olympic athlete to shame. In my defence I skipped dinner last night in favour of a hot shower and a bed. All that seemed like a good idea at the time, however at 1:00am when I woke up starving I started to reconsider how wise that was.

Let me start at the beginning though. At this present time I'm in an airport hotel room in Dubai on my layover to Durban. My body has no idea what time zone it's in or what meal I should be eating. I flew from Canada on Wednesday night, changed time zones to one that is 8 hours ahead of Toronto, arrived here after 13 hours and it was night again. This morning I leave here, fly another 8.5 hours to a time zone that's 2 hours behind this one and 6 hours ahead of Toronto. Are you confused yet? Yes? Good so am I.

I had a pretty decent flight from Canada even though I had a 5 year old girl sitting next to me. I inwardly groaned when she took her seat, expecting the worst, but she turned out to be well behaved and slept like a dream for most of the flight. Her mom was so happy to have someone who didn't mind if her daughters feet were resting on them and was happy to chat to the kid that I began to wonder if she was going to invite me to spend the night at her mothers house instead of the hotel. I got a bit of sleep, watched some movies and tv shows and still have more to watch on the way home! I highly recommend Emirates, their entertainment list is wonderful. 

Breezed through passport control here in Dubai on my Canadian passport, no visa required no questions asked. Got to my hotel, showered and slept. Until my marathon breakfast an hour ago. Now I'm back in my room trying to decided if I should relax here or go to the airport early to find a free wifi signal. All my friends are mostly now asleep, so maybe I'll split the difference and relax here for a bit and just get to the airport early enough to check mail and messages and post this.  This was just a quick update for now, I'm sure I'll have more to post once I'm settled in at my moms.

Wednesday, 7 May 2014


A land of colour, a land of beauty
A land of violence and strife
It calls you home, it pushes you away
The juxtaposition of life

The sea, the sun, the earthy smell in the air
The bustle of crowds, the vibrance of life
It reeks of hope, it clings to desperation
It festers in greed and false promises

Oh Africa, I love you, I fear you
I miss you dearly
I long to be back, I long to be done with you
Never to go near you

It's in your blood
It's in your soul
I'll be home soon,
but I'll never truly be home again

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Chapter 1

I started out this year setting a goal of doing at least two blog posts a month. It keeps me at least writing something, it may be a general ramble about nothing of any particular interest but it keeps me writing. I have of course started previous years with goals like this too and faltered by mid year, so who knows what will happen. 

I had started a blog post called Bizarre things we say to our kids, using my example that gave me a wtf moment the other day. I said to my lovely 9 year old daughter, if a boy gives you all his money, you can't just up and leave. Stay around and play with him for a while so he thinks it was worth giving you the money. I stopped short after that and thought...wait, what did I just teach her? The basics of prostitution?
In my defense and to put this into context a little, it was an online interactive game where some boy was trying to buy her friendship and after getting the money, her brother was trying to get her to up and leave so she could share her new found wealth with him.  I felt that since she'd encouraged this boy to part with his money the least she could do was spend some time playing with him. I ran out of things to say on this blog post though as it turns out I don't say as much bizarre stuff as I thought. Stop stuffing your dirty socks everywhere, flush the toilet, and stop annoying each other really didn't seem to cut it.

The good news on my writing front however is that I am back to writing fiction. I haven't been inspired for a long time, and have only managed to push out a few Drabbles (100 word exactly) and odd small  very short pieces. I have friends who have been bugging me to get back to a half finished story they were reading but I seem to have lost my mojo on that one. Every time I sit down to finish it I feel like I am forcing a new paragraph out. It was never going to be an epic long story, but it has potential, and in time I would like to get it finished, just not now.

I have started a new project, something I am quite inspired and excited about. This will not be just a short story, I have plans for it to be novel length, yes, a full book. Also it's going to be a work that my mom can read and enjoy, that means keeping the erotica fairly tame or at least editing it out on her version, she is after all the one who has been bugging me to write a full length story. I hope I can keep the momentum up, I have my plot outlined in my head and the first full chapter is down "on paper" well actually it's on Google Docs, waiting to be edited. I'm setting myself a daily word goal (well for the days when the words are flowing at least) and I figure I'll have some time to write while I sit in airports and on planes in a months time. 

Now if I could just keep myself from getting distracted by twitter...

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Predicting the future

I met a girl when I was in my 20's who believed she could read palms. I was mildly buzzed at a party so I agreed to let her look at mine. Something I have always regretted. Unless someone is going to tell you you're going to win the lotto and live a charmed life, you don't want to know the future.

She looked at my palm, scrunched up her face and ominously said, " Have you hard a very hard life?" To which I probably looked vaguely confused, I mean I grew up with three older brothers, and was a little bit of a social outcast at school, does that count? When I replied with a "Not really." She looked a little mortified and started back peddling, mumbling something about how she had always been told not to tell people of bad things in their future then scurried away.

That left me a little concerned about what life had in store for me, and every time I go through a rough patch I'm left wondering, was this what she was talking about.  I've had my share of trials over the years, leaving South Africa and starting again was hard, not being able to get pregnant and going through years of drugs, being put into false menopause and doing IVF wasn't exactly a walk in the park. Having a son born with a club foot, needing surgery and years and years of casts and corrective devices wasn't a whole lot of fun either, but none of these are what I would've considered enough to tell someone they're going to endure hard times. I guess one persons hard time is another's idea of life.

I figure after 20 odd years I'm safe from her prediction, I'm not even sure I really believe anyone can predict the future. I'm not sure I'd want to know. If you knew what the future held, would you try change it? What would you miss if you changed it, it could be something defining and important.

To quote a country song, 
"I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance" - Garth Brooks

Yes don't judge me, I've been known to listen to country music from time to time.

Sunday, 30 March 2014

Taking joy in the small things

It hasn't been a particularly good week in our household, and my emotions have gone from highs to extreme lows at varying times throughout the week. Today I'm feeling the need to take stock and look back on the things that I'm thankful for and that have brought me some form of joy this week.

I bathed the monster dog, now while this may seem trivial to you, it brought me joy. She sits on top of me and loves me too much, she was smelling worse than the inside of my sons snow boots and that was not pleasant. I now have a fresh clean, soft cuddle partner.

I have awesome friends, they support me when I'm in need and even treat me to lunch and coffee after a Doctors appointment that they know was no fun.

DH is on a health kick, he's no longer bringing crap home and is even working out. This benefits me in multiple ways. I get a fit, healthy husband who has more stamina and looks sexy and I too lose weight because I'm not being tempted by donuts and chocolates calling my name.

Last night we observed earth hour with the kids, we turned off the lights and all electronics (a rare occurrence in this house). We lit some candles, pulled out the camping lantern and spent the hour playing pictionary with the kids. It was a fun evening and the kids can't wait to play again. My team naturally won in case anyone wondered.

Spring seems to be trying to make an appearance at long last. The snow is receding, there are a few more sunny days on the calendar and I'm seeing a light at the end of the long, bitterly cold winter.

With the spring thaw comes the dreaded dog poop cleanup of the backyard. Now I can see you sitting there reading this asking yourself what would she possibly be thankful about regarding this? It's a simple answer really, DH did it this weekend, and I'm eternally thankful I never had to do it myself.

Online shenanigans, firstly get your minds out the gutter, not that sort of shenanigans. There was a "disturbance in the force" online with a group of friends,acquaintances and general group of people I see. Some were ecstatic, some were pissed, some were sad and some were just downright rude and obnoxious. The point of this is, it took my mind off my own worries, it gave a lot to read, to laugh at, to shake my head at and to discuss, and yes I'm thankful for that and thankful I was one of the people who wasn't upset.

Today's joy came in the form of a simple walk in the sunshine, yes the wind was cold and the paths were muddy from melted snow, but it felt really good to have the family outdoors and get some exercise too. The added bonus was some pretty scenes and fun had by all.

Fractured ice on the river we were walking next to.

Great kilometer trail markers

Inukshuk by the trail

Happy kids who had fun

Saturday, 22 March 2014


It's my birthday on Monday...43, I turn 43! I'm left pondering the question how did I get here, how am I 43 and living a suburban domestic life?

Is it time for me to have my midlife crisis yet? Maybe I'm already having it. Should I go out and buy a sports car or find myself a young stud? Well sports cars are a waste of money unless you're rich, I'd rather have a trip to Hawaii, and a young stud? Well that just seems like a lot of work, like having to housebreak a puppy, wouldn't you prefer one that's already housebroken? I wouldn't say no to some liposuction, maybe a tummy tuck, I'll keep those in mind for when my crisis really hits home.

The thing is I don't feel 43. I don't feel like I'm a kid and still 16 or 18, however, I feel no different from when I was in my late 20's and 30's, just with more responsibilities and kids. And less time to make something of my life. Now if I just knew what I wanted to make of it, perhaps I could start.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I haven't done anything great with my life, I've had wonderful experiences, traveled and done things a lot of people would only dream of. I've got two beautiful kids who ultimately have to be the center of everything and my ultimate devotion and reason behind any decisions I make. I just feel like I haven't accomplished what I was put on this earth to do. The question is how do you accomplish becoming a rich beach bum when you live in the frozen wasteland of Canada?

In all seriousness I feel like I have more potential, more to give. Maybe everybody feels like this? I surely can't be that unique? Is life passing me by while I'm playing at being a mother and wife with the picket fence and shoveling snow? I sure hope not, I hope to one day realize my potential, find my passion and maybe then find my hammock on the beach to retire and be a beach bum.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014


I went shopping for bra's today as some of mine have started to fall apart, buckle under the weight of everyday hard labor one may say.*  Yes the sad fact is I have big boobs.  Now in some instances it's not a sad fact, more of a welcome advantage, but when bra shopping it is indeed a sad state of affairs.

Every girls wants something sexy, something pretty for their lingerie, however big busted girls have to pay a small fortune if they want this, whereas girls with regular boobs can go to their local Target or Sears and pick up some nice fun bras.  The bras these stores sell for well endowed girls like me are more like restraint devices.  They come in your basic colors white, black and nude, they have thick ugly, unsexy straps. I guess they serve their purpose to hold our giant knockers that obviously must weigh a good 20lbs each (judging by the thickness of the fabric) up. They remind me of something my grandmother would've worn in the war era.

Yes there are some nice bras in pretty fun fabrics available in my size, but guess what, they all have padding.  Here's a newsflash to bra makers everywhere.  When you have D cups, you don't need or want padding!!  You don't want to take someones eye out every time you turn around!

I do have a wonderful bra that has removable straps, so it can be worn strapless or halter or cross back etc. The only issue with it? It's padded, every time I wear it someone comments on the size of my boobs and yes I know they look humongous in that bra, but what can a girl do, I can hardly go bra less when wearing a tank top. So I try not to wear it too often, but every now and then its a necessity so out it comes and I mentally prepare myself for the comments while trying to refrain from replying sarcastically, "Really? My boobs are huge? I never noticed, thanks for pointing that out."

*To be honest some of my bras are failing due to the monster dog chewing through the straps when she was a puppy (I sewed them back together because dammit these things are expensive), and others because often I'm not that careful with my laundry and they get caught up in the drier and the underwire pokes through or snaps.

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Moving and life changes

Moving house has been on my mind a lot lately, in my last blog I mentioned my reasons for making the change and deciding to move to Canada. Don't get me wrong, at this point I have no intention of moving house again any time soon. Unless I win the lotto that is, because then I'm buying a bigger house with a "granny apartment" for my mom.

People will tell you that moving house can be as stressful as a divorce, never having been divorced I can't really compare, but although I was stressed to the max with our move I can't imagine this to be true. I love moving, I love the excitement of packing things, unpacking in a new (preferably better) place. After our first move I probably wouldn't have said that, the first move from from South Africa to Canada was very high on the stress scale, but we weren't just moving suburbs, we moved countries. We had paperwork, shipping containers, customs and sad family to say goodbye to. On the other hand we had welcoming family on this side of the ocean in the form of my aunt and uncle who let us stay in their basement until our furniture arrived and pointed us in the right direction to get the red tape and paperwork to get settled in completely, we also had my cousins who welcomed us into their extended families like we had all grown up together, not a continent apart. For this I will always be thankful.

If I am not planning to move anytime soon (lotto withstanding -I live in hope), why am I thinking about it? Well my mom is in the final stages of packing up to come over to Canada and join us.  My moms stresses become my stresses, so it's almost like moving. I'm looking for apartments for her to rent, trying to make sure the perfect one for her doesn't slip through our fingers in the next few months, while also not wanting her to feel unwelcome and like she can't live with us for a while. It probably isn't the best thing to say on the way home from the airport, "welcome to Canada mom, we'll just drop you at your new residence and see you in a few days." I may not be her favorite daughter after that, and yes I am her only daughter so at any given time I'm aware I'm both her favorite and least favorite daughter.

So mom is moving, she is not bringing furniture so it's a couple of suitcases and maybe a box or two to ship
over. I am planning to fly over and spend a week helping her pack and fly back with her. Yay, I get to pack, (insert sarcasm font here!)  not really the sort I want to be doing, but thankfully I can be ruthless. My parents moved from a large house to a one bedroom retirement cottage a few years ago and a lot of their "clutter" was disposed of then. But believe me there is still a lot to go through! Hence the need to be fairly ruthless when we leave.  It seems each time we move is the prefect opportunity to get rid of a lot of stuff that had accumulated and is never used. I know mom will find this stressful, but it will have to be done.

 I have put no pressure on my moms decision to move to Canada as I know how stressful a move like this can be and if she was happy and content there I would encourage her to stay. The fact is, she has three children and their families here, along with her brother and his kids, she misses us, and she loves the time she spends over here with us. I know she will miss my one brother and his family who she will be leaving behind there immensely and she will be very sad to say goodbye, but will be buoyed by the fact that they have said they will make a trip out to visit us and see the snow very soon. 

What I don't think she has taken into account is how sad she will feel to say goodbye to her friends and the few remaining cousins she has there. These will be her final goodbyes to them and I think the reality of this will only hit her once it is happening.  I am glad for this reason that I will be there to provide a bit of support and remind her of the excited grand kids waiting for her on the other side of the ocean. The move into a new apartment and excitement of getting her set up can wait.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Tipping point

Every situation that you are not happy with has a tipping point. That point where you are no longer content to sit back and let things continue. Human beings (at least the ones I know) don't like change so we'd rather put up with a bad situation than face change, that is, until we reach that critical tipping point.

Whether it is a relationship, a work situation, a living situation or something as simple as body image and needing to workout and diet.

We sit, we procrastinate, we find reasons, excuses even, not to change. Until that day where we can't take it anymore, we say enough and we usually take that first big step in the right direction. 

The thing with change is you have to really want it for it to succeed. It can't just be a thought of oh I'd like to lose weight, or I'd like a new job, it's got to be a deep driven desire for something better, you have to want it, really want it. You have to want it more than all those excuses you've been using in your head for the past few months or even years.

The reason you have to want it so bad? It usually requires some sort of sacrifice. You have to give up something in order to gain something. It's tough to give up things, especially things that bring you pleasure, no matter how fleeting that pleasure might be. If it's weight loss you're after, you have to give up a whole lot of food and drink, especially at parties. If it's a new job, perhaps you have to give up security or an easy commute, if it's a relationship then you may have to give up a lifestyle or time with kids or a whole lot more.

An easy example for me to fall back on was our decision to move countries. We didn't want to change for the longest time. We had a good life, a privileged life, the lifestyle was great, the weather fantastic and all our friends and family were there. We knew we should leave, we knew that the country was not one we wanted to raise our as yet unborn kids in, due to the culture of crime and violence and we knew that with the economy heading downhill travel from the country was only only going to get harder and more costly. But did that push us to make our decision? No, we dallied, we found excuses, friends got held at gunpoint and we found reasons why they were the victim, things like, oh they shouldn't have been driving in that area, or why were they traveling alone? Friends, family and us were robbed, attacked and we shrugged it off with an, oh lucky they survived, or lucky we weren't home, material things can be replaced. We still needed that one thing, that tipping point to push us to move.  It came one day in a bizarre way, nothing dramatic. I was sitting in the car while DH ran into an office in a pretty decent part of town and I started to fear for my life watching people walking past the car. I was literally waiting for someone to rip the door open and pull me out to take the car. Pretty odd for a girl who used to drive her little mini through the worst area of town with the doors locked and windows up merely because it was the shortest distance to college. DH got back to the car that day and I said, I can't do this any more, it's time to leave. We submitted our paperwork for Canada the following week. We sacrificed a lot to make that move. Leaving family and friends to make the move was definitely the biggest and most heart breaking sacrifice, but we wanted that better future for our kids and us more than we wanted to stay.

The point to this blog post? I'm in need of re finding my weight loss tipping point that occurred the year I turned 40, the year I managed to lose 30 lbs, other than that I don't really have a point, I'm just writing down rambling thoughts in my brain as they spew forth.  If you've been reading my blog for a while I thought you would've all realized that by now. I will say, if you need to change something in your life and you've reached that tipping point, concentrate on that motivation and keep it clear in your head so that you follow through with the change, it's oh so easy to slip back into the status quo and start making excuses again.

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

When I grow up

I wrote this last year while my mom was staying with me and never published it. I'm not sure why, I guess my mom must have distracted me somehow and I lost focus. I figured it still stands, why not share it with you now.

I started the day off by getting a lecture from my mom. I feel 16 again and that's not a good thing.  She thinks I'm wasting my life, She may not be wrong in that department. She gave me the "you have so much talent and you sit here reading other people's stories and doing other people's work" lecture.  It started after she read my when-home-is-no-longer-where-you-think  blog post and it made her cry.  She is not computer literate (thank god or I can only imagine the other lectures I'd endure) so she asked me to print it for her and I did.
Now she wants me write more, find a way to make money writing somehow.  The thing is I know and am friends with lots of fantastic writers, so I compare myself to them and know there is no way, but try telling that to good old mom. 

Growing up, writing was never something I considered as a career. I wanted to be an artist, a dress designer, work in advertising or even work in media somehow, but writing, it never crossed my mind. My teachers at school were never impressed with my writing abilities, (not that I was trying very hard), and no one ever told me it was something I should consider.

I enjoy writing, I enjoy blogging, but I battle for inspiration and ideas. While I can blog and write down here how screwed up my family is and what a bad parent I am, that's not going to make me any money. I'm not trained in any form of writing as I'm sure you can see. I just put down my thoughts on the paper (well on my iPad) as they pop into my head.  I've written a few articles for my anti shark finning website, but I was never overly happy with them. I can pick and choose my blog posts that I am proud to have written, scattered in among the ones I wrote because I felt I needed to get something out there.  So how does one go about making money from writing?  Mom wants me to write a best seller, a fiction story of some kind, I have dabbled in short fiction, all of it way too erotic to show my mom, but I know I'm no where near good enough to write a long one.  I guess half my problem is I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I just keep hoping something will fall in my lap that will make me happy and I can get paid doing it..I could be waiting for a while yet since I have no intention of growing up until I have to retire.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

All about me - with a side of why I'm awesome!

I am a real woman, I have curves, hell I have fat rolls who am I kidding? I have neuroses I have issues, but I am real. I laugh at inappropriate things, I cry when I shouldn't. I'm politically incorrect (a lot) my morals are low.  I yell at my kids and kick the dog, (okay, I don't kick the dog, I'd never do that unless it was an accident - I do have some standards). I do things wrong (frequently). I forget important things, to be honest, I forget most things if they're not written down and I remember the weirdest arbitrary shit ever.

I can be irritating, I sometimes nag (well DH says so anyway but really I wouldn't have to if he'd do it right the first time...or do it at all). When we go out to eat, I'm going to eat a good meal, not pick at a salad and pretend I'm full. If I want to show some cleavage, I will and if I want to drink too much, I will.

I'm not always sociable, I like my solitude. I get cranky if I don't get enough time alone with myself. You may think this strange but I like my own company.  I procrastinate, it's guaranteed that I will leave everything to the last minute, but I do work well under pressure.

I'm not the best friend whose going to phone you regularly to checkup on you, but I hope my friends know that if you need to talk or need me, then pick up the phone and I'll do what needs to be done to help.  I don't keep my house in pristine condition (stop sniggering those who know me well) in fact I'd appreciate at least an hours warning before anyone pops in for coffee and even then don't expect miracles.

What I'm getting at is, I'm in my 40's and I'm finally accepting of who I am and I'm not about to change. I like that wrong to say? I don't think so, even though I was brought up to have humility (too much if you ask me). Are there things I need to change? Sure, I still have more weight to lose, and I will lose it, but I'm happy with me. If you don't like me that is your problem, and your loss because I've finally arrived at a place where I know I'm awesome, hopefully my friends think so too.

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Why workouts don't work well with kids

This is something I've come to realize over the Christmas holidays.  Let me start by saying I do want my kids active, and I do want to set a good example for them by being fit and active, however I'm not one of those moms who encourages her kids to workout with her. In fact my kids have pretty much figured out they can ask me for absolutely anything they want while I'm in the middle of a workout and I will (mostly) say yes (ok snarl it is a better description) in an attempt to get rid of them.

Remember I have two kids, so they take it in turns to come and ask me things, until I'm ready to crack.

Diggle: "Mom, can I have a snack?"
Me: "Yes...go away"

Princess: "Mom, can I have jello?"
Me: "Whatever, just get out of here"

Diggle: "Mom, can we have a Popsicle?"
Me: "I don't care just leave me alone!"

Princess: "Mom,..."
Me: "I don't care, if I see either of you again I'm going to wring your necks!"

Some of you are probably wondering why I don't like them around me, I mean, surely if I'm setting an example they should see me exercising? It's very simple, I don't like anyone to see me when I'm exercising and there are a few reasons.

I like to concentrate on what I'm doing and not be constantly disturbed.
I'm bright red, wheezing and I look ridiculous.
I have jiggly bits and bulges that I'm self conscious about.
I suck at doing some of the exercises and poses (especially for yoga) and I know I look spastic. For example, take the simple tree pose, I look more like a deranged flamingo on crack. My downward dog looks more like I've tripped and can't get up (which is probably not wrong) and my plank, well I'm certainly not a plank that ever going to be used in any type of construction unless perhaps it's some sort of Salvidore Dali sculpture.

The holidays are nearly done, the kids go back to school on Monday, I will be able to reclaim my space and peace and only have to worry about the monster dog, she does run down to find me, and finds it extremely fun to try and lick my face or jump on me if I'm on the floor, but in general she's a lot less annoying and can't laugh and tell anyone how silly I look. She also gets bored and finds a spot to curl up and sleep pretty quickly.