Things my children will one day understand

• Mommy sometimes says yes, you can eat candy first thing in the morning, this is because she is busy with something and needs you to keep quiet and stay out of her hair, not because it is an acceptable food for breakfast.  Do not think you can ask for it every morning, do not tell your friends and for the love of Bob, do not tell your teacher!

Image by: Morag.Riddell

• When mommy tells you to flush the toilet after you go, she does not mean leave it until you walk in the bathroom and scream eeeeuw yuck it's stinky in here.  Also I tell you to put the lid down for a reason.  Monster dog thinks the toilet bowls are her own personal water bowls, add in not flushing and the way she likes to say good morning and it's not a pleasant thought, please please put the lid down!

• As parents, we love you, however this does not mean we want to be woken up in the morning to the sound of your angelic voices arguing over who is more desperate to pee, we have three, yes three toilets in this house, there are two of you, do the math!

• I cannot believe you all the time, sometimes I get it wrong.  It would be easier if you did not ever fib, make anything up, or try and hide stuff from me, but until that happens, there will be days when I send you to school with a real tummy ache. On these days I promise to come and pick you up a few hours later when the school calls to tell me you are running a fever or have thrown up.  

• When your stories don't match up as to who was to blame, I usually know the correct version, I may say I don't know who to believe, but I do!  I say this to bring an end to the arguing and yelling, if it continues I will join in and someone will get punished.  This is usually a good time to back off and go and watch some tv.

• If you ate something last week/ month and loved it, I will cook it again, do not tell me this time you don't like it and expect something else to appear on the table.  If you don't want to eat it, feel free to go to bed.  I will not be making something else, ask your father, he still eats the fish even though he pulls a face and rolls his eyes.  It's what I made for dinner, I really don't care if it's not what you wanted.

• Saying I'm hungry ten million times after 4pm will not magically make the dinner appear any faster, once it's cooking there is nothing I can do to speed it up, and no you may not have a granola bar, cookie, crackers and cheese, candy, bread, popcorn or chips at this time of day.  You may snack on carrots, broccoli or even an apple, if you don't want these options clearly you are not THAT hungry that you cannot wait 30 minutes for dinner.

• If there is blood curling screaming, there had better be something seriously wrong, a limb had better be broken or dislocated, or there must be blood flowing.  The fact that one of you changed the tv channel cause the movie was too scary is not enough to warrant that sort of screaming.  If you want to see something scary, its my face after having to leap out the bath/shower to come and apply first aid to a kid who is merely unhappy with something.

• Finally, I will always be suspicious after the two of you retreat and start whispering to each other.  However I love that you are each others best friends and co-conspirators.  Please always stay this way, please always love each other and continue to stand up for each other anyway.

I read this in a blog that I follow yesterday, it reminds me that there are a lot of Moms like me out there   "I have the blog.  I still devote my time here because it serves a purpose for me- and one day, I can print out all of the stories, and give them to my kids.  That way they have proof that, though I might have been a shitty parent, I had good intentions.  And shared all of it with strangers."