Tipping point

Every situation that you are not happy with has a tipping point. That point where you are no longer content to sit back and let things continue. Human beings (at least the ones I know) don't like change so we'd rather put up with a bad situation than face change, that is, until we reach that critical tipping point.

Whether it is a relationship, a work situation, a living situation or something as simple as body image and needing to workout and diet.

We sit, we procrastinate, we find reasons, excuses even, not to change. Until that day where we can't take it anymore, we say enough and we usually take that first big step in the right direction. 

The thing with change is you have to really want it for it to succeed. It can't just be a thought of oh I'd like to lose weight, or I'd like a new job, it's got to be a deep driven desire for something better, you have to want it, really want it. You have to want it more than all those excuses you've been using in your head for the past few months or even years.

The reason you have to want it so bad? It usually requires some sort of sacrifice. You have to give up something in order to gain something. It's tough to give up things, especially things that bring you pleasure, no matter how fleeting that pleasure might be. If it's weight loss you're after, you have to give up a whole lot of food and drink, especially at parties. If it's a new job, perhaps you have to give up security or an easy commute, if it's a relationship then you may have to give up a lifestyle or time with kids or a whole lot more.

An easy example for me to fall back on was our decision to move countries. We didn't want to change for the longest time. We had a good life, a privileged life, the lifestyle was great, the weather fantastic and all our friends and family were there. We knew we should leave, we knew that the country was not one we wanted to raise our as yet unborn kids in, due to the culture of crime and violence and we knew that with the economy heading downhill travel from the country was only only going to get harder and more costly. But did that push us to make our decision? No, we dallied, we found excuses, friends got held at gunpoint and we found reasons why they were the victim, things like, oh they shouldn't have been driving in that area, or why were they traveling alone? Friends, family and us were robbed, attacked and we shrugged it off with an, oh lucky they survived, or lucky we weren't home, material things can be replaced. We still needed that one thing, that tipping point to push us to move.  It came one day in a bizarre way, nothing dramatic. I was sitting in the car while DH ran into an office in a pretty decent part of town and I started to fear for my life watching people walking past the car. I was literally waiting for someone to rip the door open and pull me out to take the car. Pretty odd for a girl who used to drive her little mini through the worst area of town with the doors locked and windows up merely because it was the shortest distance to college. DH got back to the car that day and I said, I can't do this any more, it's time to leave. We submitted our paperwork for Canada the following week. We sacrificed a lot to make that move. Leaving family and friends to make the move was definitely the biggest and most heart breaking sacrifice, but we wanted that better future for our kids and us more than we wanted to stay.

The point to this blog post? I'm in need of re finding my weight loss tipping point that occurred the year I turned 40, the year I managed to lose 30 lbs, other than that I don't really have a point, I'm just writing down rambling thoughts in my brain as they spew forth.  If you've been reading my blog for a while I thought you would've all realized that by now. I will say, if you need to change something in your life and you've reached that tipping point, concentrate on that motivation and keep it clear in your head so that you follow through with the change, it's oh so easy to slip back into the status quo and start making excuses again.

When I grow up

I wrote this last year while my mom was staying with me and never published it. I'm not sure why, I guess my mom must have distracted me somehow and I lost focus. I figured it still stands, why not share it with you now.

I started the day off by getting a lecture from my mom. I feel 16 again and that's not a good thing.  She thinks I'm wasting my life, She may not be wrong in that department. She gave me the "you have so much talent and you sit here reading other people's stories and doing other people's work" lecture.  It started after she read my when-home-is-no-longer-where-you-think  blog post and it made her cry.  She is not computer literate (thank god or I can only imagine the other lectures I'd endure) so she asked me to print it for her and I did.

Now she wants me write more, find a way to make money writing somehow.  The thing is I know and am friends with lots of fantastic writers, so I compare myself to them and know there is no way, but try telling that to good old mom. 

Growing up, writing was never something I considered as a career. I wanted to be an artist, a dress designer, work in advertising or even work in media somehow, but writing, it never crossed my mind. My teachers at school were never impressed with my writing abilities, (not that I was trying very hard), and no one ever told me it was something I should consider.

I enjoy writing, I enjoy blogging, but I battle for inspiration and ideas. While I can blog and write down here how screwed up my family is and what a bad parent I am, that's not going to make me any money. I'm not trained in any form of writing as I'm sure you can see. I just put down my thoughts on the paper (well on my iPad) as they pop into my head.  I've written a few articles for my anti shark finning website, but I was never overly happy with them. I can pick and choose my blog posts that I am proud to have written, scattered in among the ones I wrote because I felt I needed to get something out there.  So how does one go about making money from writing?  Mom wants me to write a best seller, a fiction story of some kind, I have dabbled in short fiction, all of it way too erotic to show my mom, but I know I'm no where near good enough to write a long one.  I guess half my problem is I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I just keep hoping something will fall in my lap that will make me happy and I can get paid doing it..I could be waiting for a while yet since I have no intention of growing up until I have to retire.

All about me - with a side of why I'm awesome!

I am a real woman, I have curves, hell I have fat rolls who am I kidding? I have neuroses I have issues, but I am real. I laugh at inappropriate things, I cry when I shouldn't. I'm politically incorrect (a lot) my morals are low.  I yell at my kids and kick the dog, (okay, I don't kick the dog, I'd never do that unless it was an accident - I do have some standards). I do things wrong (frequently). I forget important things, to be honest, I forget most things if they're not written down and I remember the weirdest arbitrary shit ever.

I can be irritating, I sometimes nag (well DH says so anyway but really I wouldn't have to if he'd do it right the first time...or do it at all). When we go out to eat, I'm going to eat a good meal, not pick at a salad and pretend I'm full. If I want to show some cleavage, I will and if I want to drink too much, I will.

I'm not always sociable, I like my solitude. I get cranky if I don't get enough time alone with myself. You may think this strange but I like my own company.  I procrastinate, it's guaranteed that I will leave everything to the last minute, but I do work well under pressure.

I'm not the best friend whose going to phone you regularly to checkup on you, but I hope my friends know that if you need to talk or need me, then pick up the phone and I'll do what needs to be done to help.  I don't keep my house in pristine condition (stop sniggering those who know me well) in fact I'd appreciate at least an hours warning before anyone pops in for coffee and even then don't expect miracles.

What I'm getting at is, I'm in my 40's and I'm finally accepting of who I am and I'm not about to change. I like myself...is that wrong to say? I don't think so, even though I was brought up to have humility (too much if you ask me). Are there things I need to change? Sure, I still have more weight to lose, and I will lose it, but I'm happy with me. If you don't like me that is your problem, and your loss because I've finally arrived at a place where I know I'm awesome, hopefully my friends think so too.

Why workouts don't work well with kids

This is something I've come to realize over the Christmas holidays.  Let me start by saying I do want my kids active, and I do want to set a good example for them by being fit and active, however I'm not one of those moms who encourages her kids to workout with her. In fact my kids have pretty much figured out they can ask me for absolutely anything they want while I'm in the middle of a workout and I will (mostly) say yes (ok snarl it is a better description) in an attempt to get rid of them.

Remember I have two kids, so they take it in turns to come and ask me things, until I'm ready to crack.

Diggle: "Mom, can I have a snack?"

Me: "Yes...go away"

Princess: "Mom, can I have jello?"

Me: "Whatever, just get out of here"

Diggle: "Mom, can we have a Popsicle?"

Me: "I don't care just leave me alone!"

Princess: "Mom,..."

Me: "I don't care, if I see either of you again I'm going to wring your necks!"

Some of you are probably wondering why I don't like them around me, I mean, surely if I'm setting an example they should see me exercising? It's very simple, I don't like anyone to see me when I'm exercising and there are a few reasons.

I like to concentrate on what I'm doing and not be constantly disturbed.

I'm bright red, wheezing and I look ridiculous.

I have jiggly bits and bulges that I'm self conscious about.

I suck at doing some of the exercises and poses (especially for yoga) and I know I look spastic. For example, take the simple tree pose, I look more like a deranged flamingo on crack. My downward dog looks more like I've tripped and can't get up (which is probably not wrong) and my plank, well I'm certainly not a plank that ever going to be used in any type of construction unless perhaps it's some sort of Salvidore Dali sculpture.

The holidays are nearly done, the kids go back to school on Monday, I will be able to reclaim my space and peace and only have to worry about the monster dog, she does run down to find me, and finds it extremely fun to try and lick my face or jump on me if I'm on the floor, but in general she's a lot less annoying and can't laugh and tell anyone how silly I look. She also gets bored and finds a spot to curl up and sleep pretty quickly.

A letter to my children

You're 8 years old, nearly 9. Let me explain a few random things to you.

The toilet: there's this remarkable little thing on the back of the toilet, it wiggles and looks like a handle and by gosh it is a handle! If you push it all that smelly stuff that you've left sitting there goes down and gets replaced by nice fresh water. Please, please, I beg of you, start using it on a regular basis.

The dog: she thinks her spot is next to me, cuddled in as close as she can get, if you come and lay ontop of her she will growl. If you somehow get in there first, she will climb ontop of you and squeeze her way in between us. Just get used to it, it appears there is nothing we can do about this, apart from throwing steak on the other side of the room.

The laundry basket: yes you have one! It is not the floor of your bedroom! Clothes do not magically pick themselves up and move into the basket (although I'm sure some of yours are capable of crawling) Start picking your clothes up and putting them in the basket, the ones you've worn, not the ones you tried on that morning and decided to change, those are clean, put them back in the draw.

Socks: similar to the laundry basket dilemma, dirty socks also belong in the laundry basket or I don't even mind if you put them directly in the washing machine. They do not belong on the dining room table, on the computer desk, stuffed down the side of the couch, hanging on the wine rack or in any other spot where you conveniently decide to take them off and leave them! This would also solve the "Mom, I have no clean socks" issue that we seem to have occurring even after laundry day.

Underwear: it's supposed to be worn, especially when we leave the house! No more needs to be said.

Snow boots: take these off while you are still on the tiled floor in the entrance hall, you know, where I have towels and mats down to absorb the slush. Do not walk across the hardwood floor leaving a trail of wet slushy footprints. I don't care if you needed the washroom or to get something out your backpack.

Dessert: does not happen every night, get over it. I will not use it as a tool to bribe you to eat your dinner (well not all the time anyway). If you don't eat, feel free to go hungry. Likewise telling me once you have finished your dinner that you are still hungry and need dessert is not going to work. Dessert is not meant to full you up, an apple does that much better.

Santa: I love and hate the fact that you still believe in Santa. He makes a wonderful bargaining chip, the threat of being able to email him when you're naughty works every time. However you need to learn that Santa does not have endless amounts of cash or elves making these toys and electronics you are requesting. If you want something and request it, make sure it's what you really want. You are not getting everything on your list. *On an aside note, Diggle said yesterday, "but parents help Santa, right?" So I guess this year may be our last with the magical belief.

Today is your first day of the Christmas school holidays, you are playing wii together downstairs, laughing, shrieking and having fun. Keep it up, don't fight, let's have a fun, good, peaceful Christmas and you can carry on ignoring all of the above points, we'll cover them again next year I'm sure.  

Last but not least, this is Mommy's egg nog, yes it is an acceptable breakfast food, its like liquid scrambled egg and no you can't have any!

20 years

I've been married 20 years, or at least on Wednesday this week I'll have been married 20 years. DH this is your reminder that it's our anniversary this week...let's see if you actually read my blog or not. I'm amazed, somedays it seems just the other day I was lying in the bathtub hungover and feeling like crap wondering how I was going to put that wedding dress on and get through the ceremony, at roughly the same time DH was waking up covered in doughnut crumbs (it's best not to ask).

DH and I have actually been together for 26 years, and that's a long time. We've both changed and neither of us are the same kids who met across a crowded room at some house party all those years ago. We're both older (duh), more jaded, not quite as lean (I'm trying to be polite here), grumpier (him not me), and I don't think either of us has the same outlook on life that we had back then. How have we survived? I have no idea, I think we've been best friends and partners for so long neither of us knows how to survive without the other, we're each other's safety nets and our strengths and weaknesses play off each other to give some sort of dis functional symbiotic relationship. 

I may joke and kid about things, but marriage isn't easy, anyone who's been married more than a few years knows that. Half the time you want to put that plan regarding the wood-chipper that you and your friends concocted over drinks one night into action, the other half you can't remember if you paid the life insurance premium so you're praying they'll survive that drive down the snowy highway. 

I will say this about DH, he's the one person in my life I trust implicitly, some may think that's blind, but his integrity and honesty is something I admire. I could do without the moodiness and back problems though ;) but overall he is the most kind-hearted, generous and trust worthy person I know.

There, he got a couple of lines of me being nice to him, I'm covered for this year. I feel the need to shower, public tributes of love are not my thing.  I never started writing this intending it to turn out like this, I was going to write about how surprising it is that we've made it this far, but when I look back it hardly feels like it was 20 years ago, and yet at the same time it was a whole lifetime ago.  

So, 20 years, it's momentous right? We celebrated our 10 year anniversary in Cuba, what are we doing for this one? The actual anniversary will be spent at home, I'm not even sure if we'll go out to dinner or have a nice steak dinner at the house with the kids. However in two weeks we are going to England for 10 days to celebrate another wedding, that of our niece. We get to see some very special family members who we haven't seen in far too long and take the kids on an adventure they will remember for a long time, I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate.

Summer's over

Well at least the school holiday part of summer is over starting next week.  I will admit in June I was dreading these holidays. I am not one of these "wonder moms" who likes to take my kids places and explore. I like to do those things as a family and DH uses all his vacation days for camping. So aside from the camping we tend to do the small things, a few play dates, hit the splash pad a few times, lots of trips to the library, maybe a movie or two and lots of DVD's and home rest days in between.

I am pleasantly surprised to report back that this summer was not bad as I feared.  In fact it has gone past really quickly and I can't believe it's over already. We had some great camping trips, we had Granny's company while at home to help out and we have had relatively few days of kids complaining that they are bored.  Even so, I am ready, I am more than ready for next week.  It's like a switch has been flipped for the kids this week, they are restless, they are starting to annoy each other and starting to annoy me, we are all ready! In fact their backpacks are already packed and waiting for them in the bench by the front door, all that's left to go in them is their lunch on Tuesday morning, yes I am that eager! I am lucky as my two are both looking forward to school, unlike me they enjoy it (so far) they love being able to see their friends, they love learning and so far they have loved every teacher they have had - lets hope that all continues.

We have one camping trip left to do for a short weekend family trip with all the cousins and granny then we can pack all the summer stuff away and parts of my house can be reclaimed.
 Bring on the new school year, bring on fall!  I love the thicker clothes in darker colours, the return of the jackets and boots, being able to throw on a scarf and layer things.  Its my favorite time of year, the crisp cool nights, the changing colours of the leaves, the quiet days of kids in school and the time to get my sanity back and resume some sort of routine.