Things you wish your kids had never said

"Mommy, I can't wait till I am old like you and have floppy boobies" (thanks sweetie! I can't wait to remind you of this one after you have had kids). - I'm off to buy a good push up bra now!

"Its not a fucking toy, it's just a toy mommy". - ok, time to try and curb the swearing around little ears.....nah, just educate them on what grown ups are allowed to say vs kids - so much easier!

"Mommy if you diet you can get nice and skinny like (insert skinny bitch friends name here)" - I'm trying dammit, now stop waving that yummy looking treat in front of me, I might bite off some of your fingers when I snap at it!

"Oooops" - always bad, no matter what, where or when.

"Do you think I want to breath on you?" -  Said by Diggle after asking for proof that he did indeed brush his teeth. A sure sign that he lied about doing it the first time!

And finally....my nightmarish comment I heard last night at bedtime...."I can't wait till summer then we can stay up late every night!"    - is it fall yet?

Certifiable

I sniffed the dog!   Only after doing it did I realize what I had done, its the sort of thing you do to a kid, or to something you maybe find on the floor, you know what I mean...sniff a brown mark to see what it is!

It was on the dogs neck, which means she probably rolled in something, so why on earth would I sniff it??  Well I had a suspicion it was not what it looked like, since she had not been outside since the kids left for school.  I was right (thankfully).  It was nutella!  Yep, the dog smelled like chocolate - bet you were not expecting that!  Neither was I! To my credit, I at least did not lick the dog....after all I do have some standards.

Now I can deduce that it came from Diggle, he had waffles for breakfast with nutella on them, - don't judge me it was Monday morning and I wanted the kids to eat and get out the house for school.  Anyway what this means is either Diggle wiped his hands on the dog, entirely possible and somehow better than his usual option of his pants which means we have to find him new ones before he leaves for school.  (Because no matter how bad a parent I am I don't let my kid go to school looking like he has shit wiped down his pants).  Or the dog rolled on a piece of his waffle....also entirely possible.  If the second scenario is correct which is the one I am leaning towards it brings the question of who ate the piece after the dog rolled on it.  Diggle or the monster dog.   I am not sure I really want to know!

Rationally Concerned

Scared? who me?  Nope, just rationally concerned.  After all I am supposed to be running this 5K in a months time and I still suck at it (running that is). I am pretty pathetic I can run, but I really don't get much enjoyment from it, I would rather be walking, hence I run a kilometer and then since I am wheezing I walk a couple of meters and start feeling guilty and start running again..and so the cycle goes, overall it means I am slow...very slow.  Now the logical part of my brain tells me that I have lots of time to get my fitness levels up, I mean its 4 weeks away right?  The non logical part is telling me there is no way in hell I am going to be ready to run this and keep up with the girls who I am running with.  Did I mention them before?  They are sisters in fact, who convinced me that this was a good idea.  They are both in their 20's, Shit!! I am 41, what was I thinking?  Ok, I really cant blame the younger one, I in fact had a bit to do with suckering her into this, the older one,....well you know who you are, its all your fault!  You got to me after a few glasses of wine, my resistance to silly ideas was down!  I have been known to agree to do stupid things after wine....usually a lot more than I had to drink that night though.

I know realistically that I can do this, in fact I will be elated after I do this.  I will be proud of what I have accomplished...I already am proud beyond belief of how far I have come.  I am over 45lbs down. Its been one year now, one year of slowly feeling better about myself week by week. A year of finding the old me, who I thought was long gone, but I am glad to see back.
By the time I run this race I will be over 50 lbs, and getting close to my goal.  That does not change the fact that I am still rationally concerned about running this, ok I am not rationally concerned, I am fucking terrified!  Who knows though, maybe afterwards I will want to sign up for another one in the fall.

Sanity?

I lost mine years ago, and I really have no one to blame but myself.  I live in denial most of the time, well ok, maybe not denial, but in the past I at least tried to hide it from the public at large.  I guess now that I am blogging its no point, my failures and screwups are here for the world to see (and provide amusement).

Yesterday was epic, I went for a run.  Simple? not really.  I wore my ankle brace as last time I ran outdoors my ankle took a lot of strain.  after about 2km I could feel the outside of my foot cramping where the ankle brace was squeezing, so I decided to cut it short and only do 3km. I get home, unzip my pocket for my front door key and......nothing!  Great, now I am locked out the house, hot and sweating with a sore foot.  I had my cell phone with me, but before I called in DH to play the knight in shining armor (well ok, the man in the dirty car), I decided to retrace my route and look for the key.  I walked the entire 3km again, but sadly no key.

Of course I did not think to stop and take the ankle brace off so now I have a sore foot and a sore shin muscle (who knew you had a muscle in your shin?) from walking funny.  I then had to phone DH, get him to leave work and come home and rescue me, and had to get new front door keys cut.  The kicker is when telling some of my friends about this they said well why did you take your key, just leave your front door unlocked, or hide your key on the porch.  I guess they did not grow up in South Africa.

On the bright side, our weather is glorious, its about 20C warmer than seasonal, and since today is the first day of spring, things are looking up.  Another bright spot is March Break is over, the kids are back at school and I no longer have to entertain them, and to end a good day I get to go out with my SA Ladies for sushi tonight....life could be worse.    

March Break

We are in the middle of the famous March Break.  The end of winter/start of spring week long hell  holiday from school.  I really should not complain, we have had wonderful weather so far.  It's totally unlike our usual March break, where we are stuck indoors with cold weather, snow and/or rain.  There is no snow outside, the sun is out and the kids are running around the street in shorts and t-shirts.  The good weather means we are not having bouts of cabin fever after a few days cooped up together, it is possible to throw the kids into the street to play with the neighbourhood gang, we were even able to give the kids one of their birthday presents early (scooters) so that they can join the gang going around the local streets spying on all the neighbours.

However, today is the 7th day in a row that we have been home, there are a few things I am getting sick of saying.  Here are some of them.

• You are not the boss of your brother/sister
• leave your sister alone. (never the other way round??)
• please stop talking (also always at Diggle - this kid has verbal diarrhea)
• I cant hear you........my earphones are in (yes I know...but its keeping me sane)
• I know it hurts but if you don't stop crying I wont let you ride the scooter any more.
• there is no blood, you will live
• ask your dad when he gets home
• no dinner is not ready, eat some fruit
• why is there sand all over the floor
• no you cant stay up late tonight...because no matter how late you stay up, you will be awake by 7am tomorrow!

You get the general idea of how my week is going?  I love my kids dearly, I really do,....really.

Princess was sick for the 1st few days, now everyone is healthyish, so we went grocery shopping today...with two kids.  I bribed, I pleaded, I threatened.......the bribes worked the best.  They behaved reasonably well.  I came home with lots of stuff I did not need, and without half the stuff I did need, but we will now make it through till they are back at school.  One woman at the shops told me she loved the way I spoke to my kids, so patient and kind?? WTF?  Ok, probably cause I sent them on errands to get stuff and did not complain when they came back with the slightly blemished fruit etc, I just rolled my eyes slightly and put it in the cart.  When she said this, Diggle looked like he was about to say something but one of my death stares that clearly said "buddy speak now and you will not get your bribery reward" worked and he shut right up (sometimes miracles do happen!)  Somewhere out there, there is a local lady who thinks I'm a brilliant mother....there is hope yet...maybe I can fool a few more.

Spring fever

I wish it was the the cleaning type, Lord knows my house could do with a good clean. Sadly I think the widely sweeping temperature changes have brought back a round of sickness.

The princess started on Wednesday last week, she has been running a fever on and off since then, and has done a lot of sleeping! In fact this is the first time I have had a sick kid who wants to sleep during the day...it's almost alarming. Being the sort of mommy that I am who tends not to over react, we have been waiting it out and not going to the dr. Finally today, she has no fever and is sounding irritatingly like herself. That means giggling, laughing and loud voices at an ungodly like hour this morning. (I guess all that sleeping she has been doing means she is now well rested?)

So now it's march break, the kids are off school for a week, and everyone is finally healthy? We can start to enjoy our lovely spring weather.....oh no, hold that thought, I woke up this morning feeling like I have been hit by a truck. I guess holding a sick child and getting coughed on means its now my turn to be sick. Just what I need, two healthy children at home all day with me feeling like crap.

 Oh and guess what? I have still not gone birthday present shopping, for their birthday on Friday, or bought the snacks and goodie bags for their party on Saturday....I am so screwed.

Running

As I have mentioned I am running a 5k at the end of April, a first for me! Anyway it's winter here, so snow and ice, means I have had no desire to train outside. I have a treadmill and have been running inside. I run anywhere from 5-7k on the treadmill three times a week.

We had our first springish day on wednesday and I decided to go for a run outside. I mapped out 5k and set out, feeling good about myself. I felt good for around the first 750 meters, which is when reality set in. Running outside is hard. It goes by quicker cause you have stuff to look at, but it's a lot harder on the body. I have a month and a half to train, and have a feeling I may be in trouble. I had to walk at least half of my 5k , but still managed to do it in a semi decent time.

I guess I will just have to keep up with the training and hope it gets better. Oh and I discovered something else interesting.....running outside uses a whole different set of muscles than the treadmill does....and OW! My butt hurts! And walking down the stairs is not much fun at the moment.

You like me?

Wow I am blown away, I am averaging over 60 hits per blog post. Now I know that's not a whole lot, and maybe I just have a single stalker who keeps repeatedly logging into my blog, if this is the case, I have to hope he is rich and good looking!
Regardless, it's a whole lot more than I thought I would have with only 3 months of blogging under my belt.

To be honest I figured maybe I would have 10 people who were interested enough to read what I had to say, maybe 5 family and 5 friends, all checking that I am not saying rude or nasty things about them. Oh and of course some of the family members may just be being nosey and wanting to know what the hell I am doing with my life since I am so bad at sending emails to keep them updated.

But no, it would seem some of you genuinely enjoy reading my blog! On the other hand you could just be laughing at my bad writing or pathetic life, but thanks for reading anyway!

I don't really have anything witty and good for you to read today, so it's short and sweet, I
am seriously sleep deprived thanks to sick kids and a monster dog who decided that 2am is a great time to play, "let's ignore the silly woman in her pajamas who is chasing me round the yard, it's a great time to refuse to go back inside and sleep!"  Tonight if she asks to go out in the middle of the night, she had better learn to cross her legs and clench!

Thanks for reading and making me feel like its a worthwhile endeavor.

Passion and new challenges

Ok, firstly since I now know that DH reads my blog thanks to my post about mans inability to judge, I will state that this is not about passion in the bed.  Now he can safely stop reading, I bet I know a bunch of others who just stopped reading too!

Image by Dennis Guichard -
taken at my old dive grounds, Aliwal Shoal, South Africa

Those of you who do know me personally, know that I have always been passionate about my diving, and my love of the ocean. I grew up in a house overlooking the Indian Ocean, watching the ships go by and at certain times of the year trying to spot sardine shoals out at sea.  On a good night I could sleep with my windows open and hear the waves in the distance. There was nothing quite like the view from my brothers' bedroom on a moonlit night.  (My bedroom had a view of a wall? Seriously not fair there!) It's the one reason why I never truly wanted to settle in Toronto with no ocean in sight.  However, before my dear friends here threaten once again to break my legs or kidnap my children so that I cannot leave, I have settled here!  (and those dear friends are welcome to kidnap my children any day - I know they will send them back pretty quickly!)

A while ago I signed up and liked a group on Facebook to help protest the sale of shark fins, and offered to volunteer and help them out in any way.  Nothing came of that, until last week, when they said they were looking for help, so I contacted them again and things moved positively on from there.  Well I now hope to be kept busy with a bunch of exciting projects and love every minute of it.

It feels good to have a purpose again, to feel like I am doing something worthwhile.  Not that raising the kids is not purposeful and worthwhile, after all I hope it will pay back when I am old and grey and they are rich and can take care of me.  My purpose is to get them to this stage while still keeping my sanity and hope they don't ship me into an old age home.

My birthday is coming up and I feel that the past year has changed me in so many ways.  I have new challenges to face, (including my first real run - which is fast sneaking up on me!) and feel like the next year ahead is going to be as good for me as my 40th, perhaps even better?

Aliens and parties

Ah there is nothing like standing on a squishy green alien in the middle of the night.  And sadly it happened not once but twice in the same night.

Let me explain.  Firstly I did not have any strange visitors from other worlds, although it may have spiced up my life if I did.  Diggle has these squishy aliens, you hook their legs into a catapult thing and stretch them out and fling them through the air.  Well the monster dog must have snuck into the kids bedroom once they were asleep and stolen two of them.  Then left them laying around in the passage outside my bedroom.  She then proceeded to wake me to ask to be let outside in the middle of the night.  Cue me leaping out of bed and padding my way down the passage only to stand on something squishy and cold....my heart dropped, I picked up my foot and fortunately it did not stick.....phew I realized my first thought was wrong, so I felt around in the dark till I got it and put it on a ledge out of her way.  Of course I discovered the next alien a few hours later when Diggle woke up and decided to yell for me to come and take him to the washroom cause it was too dark.  The joys of motherhood!

The twins birthday is fast approaching, the party is now booked, kids are RSVPing and I have not done any shopping.  This would not be an issue except that their birthday falls over March break, and while this is nice for the kids as they never have to go to school on their birthday it means that I will have both kids with me for the week prior to the actual day.  I guess I had better get on with the shopping.  Princess has been making a list, she is a marketers dream, anything she sees on tv, she wants!  Diggle on the other hand has one thing on his list, Mario Cart for the 3DS.

Between the two of them, being twins, you would think they would be able to reach a decision on where they wanted their party to be held.  No, of course its never that easy.  One wants ChuckECheese, the other thinks that is too babyish? Someone at school told him this.  One wants to go ice skating, the other doesn't.  One wants to go mini golfing the other thinks that idea sucks.  Finally we all agreed on trampolining.....an hour on the trampolines 1st,  followed by juice, snacks and cake after, then we all go home and try and forget it ever happened.  I was going to try and book it close to a meal time so that at least we could feed the kids pizza, but no, no slots available, so its going to be mid afternoon and we are just doing snacks and loading the kids up on crap and sugar....oh what fun!  

The parties of my youth seem so simple now, they were all held at houses, my Dad was a magician, so he would usually be the entertainment, while I died of embaressment (actually he was really good, but you know how kids are!).  Now I know it would be a lot cheaper to do a home party, but seriously the thought of having 12 - 16 screaming kids in my house, entertaining them, feeding them, then cleaning up once they have gone??  I will happily pay some place to do all that for me!

My goal is to survive the next two weeks, then we will be on the downward spiral to spring and life will be looking rosy! Roll on warm weather!

A mans inability to Judge

If you are not married or in a relationship you probably wont "get" this post, also if you are offended by talk of "that time of the month" turn back now!

I don't know how many of you ladies out there have husbands like mine.  The sort who always feel its been forever since you last had sex.  Last night I was complaining of a headache and cramps, and got the "what still? you have had your period for like two weeks now" comment from DH.
I replied with STFU, we had sex on Friday night, I started acting bitchy on Saturday and its Wednesday now, last time I checked a calendar that is no where near two weeks and if you ever want sex again go away and don't come back unless you have chocolate.

I then retired to watch tv by myself and enjoy  my own company for a bit, but it got me to thinking, why is it always me who feels like I am letting the team down? oh my, we cant have sex this week  since my body is not playing along.  Why do I end up feeling guilty?  And then on the other hand I started getting mad, why can he not remember doing me on Friday??  Am I that forgettable?  After 24 years together is it all just a routine and then we blank it from our minds....maybe in his mind he was doing someone else....I know I was! (Ok, I am throwing that in there to see if he actually reads my blog).   Maybe its about time for me to learn some new tricks...then again maybe he needs to learn some new tricks!

I think maybe it boils down to the fact that men think about sex so often that if they have not done the act in the last 24 hours it feels like months for them.  Of course I have no answer as to why they cant seem to correctly judge what 6 - 8 inches really looks like....